by Laurisa Mahlin and Tony

For the Week of December 30, 2013

Forget the good! It's time to get bad and ugly with Two Scoopers Laurisa and Tony as they reflect on all not merry and bright in Salem, USA. Join them for the Seventh Annual Alex North Awards. If you dare!

MORE YEAR-IN-REVIEW:
• Read last week's Golden Donuts celebrating the Best of DAYS 2013.
• Listen to our special two-part year-end podcasts: The Best of 2013 and The Worst of 2013

Some things are hard to admit. Too much chocolate does give you a stomachache. No matter how much you love your pajama pants, they're not appropriate attire for every situation (read: aside from bed and lounging around the house. Sorry, Walmart shoppers). And too much wine and/or Scotch can give you a headache. As much as we love our favorite soap, alas, DAYS can sometimes cause nausea, fashion faux pas, and hangover-like headaches that trash around your skull like an angry honey badger.

And since it's our duty to point out what was good, which we did with the Seventh Annual Golden Donut Awards, and what was, well, dooty, put on your hip waders and supportive gear because it's about to get real in here as we present the Seventh Annual Alex North Memorial Awards!

Laurisa: Marge Bernadri
Yes, I get it that a woman who lost her husband would be devastated. But, this isn't just any woman. This woman lives on a soap opera. And there, she can't just expect the Salem Police Department to do her bidding, shoot innocent people, and -- worst of all -- chew up months of screen time, during which, Sami ever-lovin' Brady just stood there and took her abuse. Furthermore, Marge actually told Abe that her grief over Joe was much greater than his over Lexie because no one was trying to "destroy" Lexie's memory. For sure, Marge. I bet that's exactly what Abe tells Theo each night. "Stop your crying, son. She's only dead. It's not like someone's talking about her or anything!"

Tony: Percy Ruggles/The Witness
Here's the thing. This regal gent spotted Kate, Sami, and Gabi in the woods. That's all fine and dandy, but I feel that another character would have been better suited for the role of the witness. Say, someone who's been on the canvas for a while, but not that predominate. An example? Sure! How about T! He's Sonny's employee and Will's BFF. He'd notice if Sonny was acting peculiar and would probably share his findings should he and Will have a tęte-ŕ-tęte about it, and maybe a light bulb would click on for sometimes dim Will. But no. We have an eccentric dude who wanders the woods at night looking for elusive owls. That's kind of for the birds.

Laurisa: Melinda Trask
Make no mistake, Roman Salem could use a charismatic and aggressive prosecutor who could work with Salem P.D. and serve as a nice professional foil for Justin. However, the character did a few too many things that made her seem downright careless for a lawyer. She dropped numerous "all DiMeras" statements that really only applied to Stefano. She verified cornerstone evidence by asking, "Is this legit?" And she threatened to take Hope's pension away if Hope dared to follow up on a lead that could exonerate Sami. A quick change like having her present the Bernardi evidence and dismiss the charges against Sami could have kept her around Salem in somewhat good graces with the Salem P.D. But instead, she's gone, and I'm kinda glad.

Tony: Brent
More than anything, Brent just had horrible timing. When he came onto the scene Will and Sonny were already neck-deep in drama coming from all angles. They didn't need a third party distraction, especially one with previously unseen ties to the couple. Had someone like Brian "Hottie McBlue Eyes" come sniffing around again, that would have made more sense. And I really wouldn't have had anything personal against Brent, but then he went and turned Common Grounds into a hip nightclub. And by "hip," I mean a lame lounge that looks like a hotel lobby complete with horrible lighting. Yep, when I go out, I definitely want bright lights and kids sipping cocoa around. Thanks, B-Man!

Laurisa: Nancy Wesley
Only because she left before she could show Anne how a bitter hospital beeyotch is supposed to go about her business. Well, that and because she came back without Craig and Joy. I miss them!

Tony: Theresa Donovan
First of all, it's Jeannie Donovan. You can't change a supercouple's child's name. I'm pretty sure that's a written rule. More so, Jeannie-Theresa just came off as a little been there, done that at first. Oh, there was also that entire pedophile vibe she gave off while flirting with an underage J.J. That was kind of (read: extremely) uncomfortable and creepy. Still, Jeannie-T has surely grown on me (and I've been a fan of Jen Lilley since day one), but I would have rather seen the character in Nick Fallon's orbit from the start. Yep, it should have been Nick at Night not Nick Jr. Just saying.

Laurisa: Adrienne Kiriakis
Good thing Adrienne's got legacy behind her because this year, she was terrible. Judging a child because of their parent is something that Duke Earl Johnson's daughter should have no part of whatsoever. Also, if we're supposed to believe that Marge and Adrienne were such good friends, it would have been advisable to have their first scene consist of something other than Adrienne reminding Marge of her name. Like I said, Adrienne will be just fine, but she needs to avoid taking this kind of hard right turn ever, ever again.

Tony: Jennifer Horton
Salem's sweetheart hit a sour note in 2013, and I don't even know what to do with that. No wonder Dr. Dan broke up with her 87 times. I wanted to do that every day of the year (and even on weekends when the show didn't air). Er, well, maybe she broke up with him. I can't say. I was too exasperated to follow all of her high school "we're together, we're not" drama. Ultimately, it's a shame that Jennifer's character was written so all over the place because not rooting for Jen is like not wanting a warm, gooey, fresh-from-the-oven brownie. It's unnatural.

Laurisa: Will Horton
Yes, Gabi and Nick played more than a hand in it, but at the end of the day, Will was the one who decided to relinquish all claims of custody to Arianna. Then after Will got a second chance, he completely trusted Gabi's word that he would be a part of the baby's life and that Nick wanted everyone to work things out. No wonder it was so easy for this fella to get himself blackmailed!

Tony: Brady Black
Seriously, dude. It took a DVD of his gal bedding his brother the priest played in church during his wedding to said gal for him to get a clue that she was bad news. Sure. She did love him. Sure. He did love her. But surely his Shady O'Matic B.S. Meter must have blipped prior to that. You know, maybe when everyone from his family to friends to causal acquaintances to characters on other soaps warned him that she might be hiding something crucial that could affect the future of their relationship. Nah. She was a saint. Nevermind. Enjoy your nose candy, Brady Black, it will certainly help you in the smarts department and to make better decisions.

Laurisa: Eric Brady
I'm not the only one who's over that collar, amiright?

Tony: Gabi Hernandez
Gal is gorgeous, but some of her looks were a little less than glam, especially those pants! I think you know which ones I'm talking about. Ugh. Those pants. If Chad wants to follow around someone with a video recorder again, he should try Gabs. Oh, and then send the recording to What Not To Wear.

Laurisa: Chad DiMera
By some ridiculous Hernandez-mind-meld power, Chad came out as the villain in the whole Gabi/Andrew storyline and dealt with the fallout of daring to speak out at her wedding for months. Next, he had to grovel to Abigail about what a train wreck he was because he happened to shoot a video of Sami committing a crime in public. Then, he had to go jump in front of a literal bullet for Jennifer to even consider that he might not be a bad dude. Finally, he got shipped off to Boston where he has to watch those beard-loving losers who took a World Series away from my Cardinals! (Okay, that last one is personal and probably not relevant here.) Still, Chad was just a few bubble gum pieces short of being Salem's favorite pińata in 2013. No bueno.

Tony: Sami Brady
I feel repetitive giving Sami this award yet again this year, so I really wish Salem would find a new whipping girl in 2014. As normal, Sami got blamed for several things this year, but there is one that was the most infuriating. She is not -- repeat "Is not!" -- a wannabe baby killer. Despite everyone fawning all over Gabi, clutching their chests, and exclaiming Sami was trying to kill the baby by calling fragile Yo Gabba Gabi out on her crap, Sami did not -- and did not want to physically harm either mother or child. And she was not simply picking on Gabi because she was "being Sami." Nope. Sami had a valid reason for going after the knocked-up knucklehead. But, nope. Sami's a monster baby killer, and most wouldn't believe otherwise. For shame!

Laurisa: Vargas
They kind of swung and missed three times with Vargas. First, they set us up to think that Vargas would finally scare the creep out of Nick. Then, they teased us with the notion that Vargas would bring some momentum to the slooooooow moving Eric and Nicole storyline. When neither of those happened, they lucked into this charming detective/informant relationship between Vargas and Hope. But alas, they threw that away in favor of a speed bump (no pun intended) for Theresa. Because, you know, if there's one thing viewers really were on the fence about, it was whether or not Theresa was a bad egg.

Tony: Anne Milbauer
I enjoy Meredith Lynn Scott! She's hysterical and delivers bitchy lines like Brady does, well, lines. But I have to ask the question lingering in the minds of every DAYS fan since Anne made her first snarky crack at Jennifer. That is, "Anne, why do you hate Jennifer so much?" The writers pen Anne as a meany out for Horton blood but without any real reason. Sorry, "She doesn't work hard for her money" doesn't count in Soapville. So the writers may have Anne swinging nasty barbs at Jennifer and coming up with plots to take her down, but Anne's lack of a reason really had her striking out in the developed character department.

Laurisa: Anne Milbauer
It's not that expecting me to hate a soap character for a terrible work ethic makes about as much sense as expecting me to hate a soap character who wakes up with perfect hair and makeup. Nope, its not that if Jennifer really didn't go to work then we'd technically never know about her coworker, Anne. Hey, it's not even that Anne -- the head of HR who scripts witness testimony and rehires people who steal money from the hospital -- thinks that she's the authority on who does their job well. It's that for the entire year, she's had the exact same scene over and over and over again. All that changed was whether she was spewing her form of conversation to Chloe, Abigail, J.J., Jennifer, Daniel, Theresa, or Marlena.

Tony: Manic Dr. Dan Coverage
This is sort of a shared award for several Salemites obsessed with all things Dr. Dan in 2013. They either called him a saint or a sinner, but they couldn't stop gabbing about this top doc who, sure, may have made some questionable judgment calls with the ladies but is generally a good dude. Of course, Pre-Horton Square Beatdown J.J. was the worst offender in the beginning, but he wasn't the only one. So here are the things Salemites need to shut up about regarding Dr. Dan. Maggie, stop doting. J.J., stop hating. Anne, stop bitching. Theresa, stop obsessing. Abigail, stop defending a smidge. Maxine, stop propping. Jennifer, just stop -- for the love of all things soaps, please just stop, Jennifer.

Laurisa: Nick Fallon
It's hard to think of him as one who could actually regress because, let's be honest here, he wasn't exactly sitting atop Mt. Good Decisions when last year ended. But once he brought Arianna to Will's hospital room, I was willing to give him the benefit of the tough lesson learned. But then he went and slept with Gabi again. It never made sense that a character with a history of falling for spunky, strong ladies like Chelsea and Melanie would want anything to do with weak Gabi. But, alas, the show wasted his crazy (and Blake Berris's monster talent) and literally sent Nick up the river again.

Tony: John Black
The dude literally fought the devil for the woman he loved, but he didn't give said woman a little "heads-up, I'm playing Kristen -- it's all an act" in order to save his marriage. What was that, John Black?! Instead, he came across as Salem's biggest d-bag, enraging nearly all of his loved ones and John fans alike. Here's a fact, John, you kinda sucked in 20-13.

Laurisa: Abe Carver
In a genre pretty much built upon the dead brain cells of its male leads (Hi, Brady!), Abe Carver exists as one of the few good guys still operating at maximum cerebral capacity. Seeing as how his authority kept the Salem P.D. from imploding on itself during Sami's trial, I'm convinced that Salem would be a better place if Abe took over as managing partner for Maggie at Chez Rouge. Not only would it explain how Abe is able to financially support his special-needs son and serve as a neat nod to Lexie, who loved all things Parisian, but it would give everyone more access to Abe and his "Focus. Breathe. Get it done." brand of advice.

Tony: Chad DiMera
Let's start simple. We didn't even know where the flip he lived for part of the year. That right there indicates that Chad was underutilized, which completely blows my mind. With Lexie gone, Chad was supposed to be the "good" DiMera. An ambassador to the DiMera haters to prove they're not all evil incarnate. Chad was supposed to wrestle with good vs. evil under the regrouping of the DiMera Famiglia. Chad was supposed to be the Generation Y representative ushering in a new hipster vibe to the DiMera Mansion. Instead, Chad got mixed up in one of the slowest, dullest, and most time-wasting love triangles on DAYS and was only trotted out when the writers felt fans might be wondering what the heck happened to him. Yes, what the heck happened to him, indeed!

Laurisa: Gabi Hernandez
Do you remember that classic Friends episode when Rachel mistakenly puts beef in the trifle? Well, in 2013, Gabi was the beef -- all too present in every bite of the otherwise delicious dessert. Gabi started out with her own storyline with deciding how long she could choose to ignore Nick's bigoted behavior be happy with Nick. Then she was the only vote in comatose Rafe's care (no mention of a call to Dario or Mama Hernandez?!), followed by her baffling turn as the sole decision-maker in what happens to Arianna Grace as if Will wasn't an equal parent. Finally, she managed to throw a wet blanket on an otherwise gloriously entertaining storyline where she, Sami, and Kate "murdered" Nick. In fact, the only storyline that Gabi didn't play last year was the one that I actually wanted to see her play -- where more than just her protective big-bear brother and her bound-by-confidentially lawyer find out about her stint as a kidnapper/hostage accomplice.

Tony: Jack Deveraux
Since Rafe's peen isn't actually its own character, I went with the elder Deveraux. And you know how picking a scab makes it worse? I'm pretty convinced the writers don't, or else they would have let Jack rest in peace. Instead, they used Jack's memory like a sharp stick poking the already angry bears known as Jack fans. It seemed like Jack was front and center this year without him making a single appearance. And that probably wasn't for the best.

Laurisa: Kate tells Rafe that he gave her back her soul (May 20, 2013)
The fabulous Kate Roberts rarely needs a man for anything, much less one to give her validation on a spiritual level. Furthermore, since when has Kate ever worried about her soul? Yet, after a few sessions with St. Rafe's magic wiener of salvation, she was reduced to a wimpy lass who lost all ability to cunningly plot revenge and just cried at his bedside instead. Not only was this move colossally un-Kate-like, but it didn't mesh with what we'd seen happen between the characters on-screen, which was nothing more than two pretty people enjoying adult sleepovers together. Go ahead, those strong of heart and stomach can watch her confession here.

Tony: Joe Bernardi's On-Screen Memorial (July 2, 2013)
Joe Flippin' "I Was a DiMera Henchman on the Show Three Times Before I Was Killed Off" Bernardi had an on-screen farewell, but Jack did not. Seriously, writers!? I get that his family, friends, and coworkers remembering him while Sami went through the motions in court was great juxtaposition. And it was all shot nicely -- very cinematic, even. But we knew too much about Joe to make it moving. We knew he was a dirty cop. But Jack? Well, we simply knew him, and maybe I'm a little pouty pissy-pants, but Joe's send-off made me even more upset that we never got a moving on-screen see-ya-later, Jack. Oh, but we did get Jennifer, Abigail, and J.J. standing in front of a "Memorial Ceremony" sign a year later. A ceremony we didn't get to see, either. There's that. Yep. Bitter party of one, my table is ready.

Laurisa: John Black
I know he's an international man of mystery and all, but his exit was puzzling. As much as they've been through together, I never believed that John would plot to sleep with Kristen, let alone let Marlena think that he did so willingly. And then, after his plan failed, he just disappeared and was barely mentioned again. So much for staying in town to fight for the son he sacrificed his own marriage to save. So much for tracking down dirt on Stefano. So much for facts, raised eyebrows, and the batdad voice. So long!

Tony: Cameron Davis
Let's be honest here. We'll probably have forgotten about Cameron by next year's awards. Sans his gold boxerbriefs, he didn't exactly make a huge splash in Salem. He was nice. He was polite. He was a bit dull. Okay, a lot dull. But that's about all. So, it's no surprise Cameron's exit was as quiet and un-thought-out as his existence in Salem, which was a shame, since he was Lexie's brother. Making things worse, we never even got a farewell performance from Apollo, disappointing Caroline Brady and millions of other DAYS fans. Damn.

Laurisa: Nicole Walker
You can't call out a priest's name in bed and not win this award. Sorry, Nicole.

Tony: Vargas
Okay, this hottie ex-con was sprung from the clink but probably had a better love life on the inside. His first attempt to dip back into the dating pool ended abruptly when the gal he was in bed with called out a priest's name (see: Laurisa's pick above). Then he managed to snag a date with Theresa. It started out like any good date -- a lot of cocaine and drinking. But then she ended up flirting with another man while on their date, which enraged Vargas so much he got into a fight, was rearrested, and was sent back to prison. Oh, and while that happened to him, Theresa stole all his money. Yep, better luck on the inside, brother.

Laurisa: Nick Fallon and Gabi Hernandez
Sometimes two sour individual flavors come together and turn into something delicious. I call this the tequila and lime juice phenomenon. But other times, the mix proves to be twice as toxic. Such was the case with Gabi and Nick. Her bloated sense of oblivious narcissism made it all too easy for his obsessive need for control to shine through. Together, they created this force field of suck that caused me to shut down. I never felt bad for her when he lied to her. I hardly ever felt bad for him when he legitimately went through a tough time. And I couldn't ever make myself forget that he was a 30-year-old ex-con/genius, and she was a pregnant teenager/umm...not genius. This mix was just a mess.

Tony: Rafe Hernandez and Sami Brady
Wow. The writers almost went there again. And I'm not really giving "Safe" this dubious honor because I'm an EJami fan. Nope. I'm giving them this award because I'm a common sense fan. Rafe brought out the worst in Sami's character time and time again with his holier-than-thou attitude. She felt unworthy. He felt entitled. Most fans felt nauseated. So, since it didn't work between them the first eighty times, I think the writers just need to shut it down once and for all. I think they have, but here's to hoping anyway. Salud!

Laurisa: Mama Bear Maggie
The relationship between Maggie and Melanie was incredibly beautiful. So I can't really blame the writers for wanting to spin-off that maternal sunshine with Maggie and Daniel. And, yes, it's completely believable that Maggie would put on her fighting gloves for her family. But the problem was that we never saw Maggie and Daniel interact on any real level before. So having Maggie on the verge of tears each time she talked about her poor son's love life woes didn't feel genuine in the least. Furthermore, while it's believable that Daniel's mother would trash Jennifer, it's not believable that Maggie would trash Jennifer. Ever.

Tony: Kate and Rafe's Torrid Tryst
Carrie was going to leave Austin for Rafe. Chloe got poisoned brownies for cheating on Lucas. Rafe got Kate's cougar lovin'. Can someone please explain this to me!?

Laurisa: Nick is homophobic because he was raped
I could understand the pill addiction before. But this explanation for Nick the Prick just didn't fly. Asking viewers to make the connection that a male rape victim suddenly turns homophobic was severely irresponsible because it reduced being gay strictly to sex. And maybe, maybe I could buy the whole chicken dinner if they had Nick make good on just one of those tear-filled declarations that Will was a good man. But alas, as soon as Will's bullet wound was nice and sewed up, Nick assumed his regularly scheduled role of asshat by trying to tell Will how to behave in Will's own home. Apparently that off-screen therapy isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Tony: Chloe's Breakdown Turned Dannifer Cheerleader
Because if Salem was missing something, it was another person pushing Dannifer together. The Chlomeister had a nice stint as a badass and a good old mental breakdown afterwards. So, what's a girl to do while on the mend? Oh, put on her Dannifer foam finger and urge the guy she'd schemed to land to get together with the woman she tried to take down. I'm all for seeing the error of your ways and making amends, but ultimately, this was a waste of a good storyline that showcased Chloe's talents as a vengeful vamp instead of a doormat tramp.

Laurisa: Rogue Roman
There was a brief scene where Roman was just a pickup truck away from a country song. (Now that I think about it, he may very well drive a pickup truck.) His daughter was on trial for murder, he lost his job, and the only friend he had in the world was his glass of rapidly disappearing beer. Or so we were to think. Instead, I thought about how Roman was Bo before Bo was Bo, and about how Roman was Stefano's go-to pawn when Stefano first came to the show, and about how Stefano held Roman's daughter's life in his hands, and about how Roman is technically not bound by the restrictions of the law, and about how Roman should get off that barstool and work with E.J. to save Sami! But that didn't happen. None of it. No biggie, since Roman was so busy with his other storyline anyway.

Tony: InvisiBo
Hope did some impressive things on her own this year, and she's certainly a formidable woman who doesn't need a man to be amazing. However, it's hard not to wonder whatever happened to that man in her life. What was his name? Ben? Brad? Oh! Bo Brady. Yes, legendary Bo Brady. Methinks the writers missed their mark by dragging out his flimsy-excused absence. Hope deserves more. Ciara deserves more. And, of course, fans deserve more. We want to know what happened to Bo. We want to see Hope go all tough Jane Bond on an international stage to look for her man. We want, hell, a simple explanation and a front-burner storyline for luminous Kristian Alfonso would suffice. So, please, dear writers, we want Hope-freaking-Brady on the main stage in 2014! Is that too much to ask for? Kindly note, I said "please."

Laurisa: Chad, Abigail, Cameron, and Abigail's virginity
First of all, it was very poor form of DAYS to show a woman who is ashamed about a thought-out decision about what to do with her own body. Abigail is a strong gal who -- for the most part -- seems to have her stuff in a pile. If she wants to reevaluate a decision at 22 that she made when she was 14, fine -- that's her right! But Abigail shouldn't have ever been embarrassed about it.

Second, the character of Cameron never quite found his footing in Salem, mainly because his tickets to fit in -- Celeste and Lexie -- disappeared about five minutes after he got to town. Nice enough, this character never really had legs, so it was hard to care about "big mean" Chad lying to him.

Third, there was Chad and his "big" lie. Not only was he completely honest with Abigail. But he didn't even come up with the lie in the first place. He took advantage of Cameron's misdiagnosis to get Cameron out of the way, which still didn't guarantee that Abigail would end up with Chad. She chose him on her own.

Finally, Abigail -- who not so long ago lied to Austin about sleeping together -- dumped Chad for not being the stand-up guy she thought he was. For the record, he was lying in a hospital, recovering from the bullets he took for his brother while she told him this.

Tony: Dannifer Parts 3 to 10,038
Anne might be a bitch, but damn, girlfriend isn't afraid to call foul. So I think she'd agree (and has) that nothing was fouler than the never-ending storyline between Dr. Dan and Jennifer. They transcend "Worst Couple" as they devoured billions of hours of screen time with the same scene played over and over again. And be it characters or fans, the writers didn't even seem to care about who got hurt in the process of trying to make this couple work, or, well, liked.

Actually, as a lifelong DAYS fan, I was also dumbfounded that I was siding against Jennifer. But I did. If the writers were trying to achieve full-on character assassination, they did a bang-up job with Jennifer this year (a year that felt much, much...much longer than twelve months due to Dannifer).

Making matters worse, Dannifer's contrived drama sucked almost everyone into their black hole of stank. They nearly destroyed Maggie's awesome Maggieness. They brought down stock in Dannifer cheerleaders like Maxine and Abigail (Kayla seemed to narrowly avoid the same fate). And they even managed to ruin Chloe's triumphant return by giving her a set of pompoms in the end. Ugh. Just ugh.

Ultimately, this storyline didn't work on any level and, let's be frank, probably looked ten times worse due to the other awesome storytelling DAYS did last year. The best advice I can give the writers regarding Dannifer in 2014 is simply to let it go. Let. It. Go.

PARTING THOUGHTS
Whoomp, there it is! There are your 2013 recipients of the Alex North Memorial Awards. Thank you for joining us (and not throwing rotten cyber tomatoes our way). Laurisa will be back next week with a jam-packed post-holiday Two Scoops, and that's a fact!

Happy New Year!

As always, thanks for reading!
Tony and Laurisa

Need more Two Scoops? Head over to read blogs by Laurisa or Tony for more ranting, raving, and all-out randomness

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Two Scoops is an opinion column. The views expressed are not designed to be indicative of the opinions of Soap Central or its advertisers. The Two Scoops section allows our Scoop staff to discuss what might happen and what has happened, and to share their opinions on all of it. They stand by their opinions and do not expect others to share the same point of view.